Not being able to have any more kids- time to talk about it

so i have kept this to me ...the feelings the finial reasons why i went through with it. i thought if i talked about it that it would break me down even more... so why not talk about it now .

so when we found out we where having a boy it was time to talk about not having any more children ... even though i joked time and time again about not wanting anymore ... i have always wanted lots of kids ... to make them have them raise them and watch them grow into adults. so as a woman i believe that my place here is to be a wife a mother and the person who keeps our home running . that is my job and i love it . so to give up the part of me , the part of my job that was having children was hard to even think about let alone actually take away.

then came me getting sick, not being bale to walk really , having pains so hurtful that i wished my self to sleep or worse... just not to have to feel it. then came the realization that i had already loss one baby, that the pregnancies were not getting any easier and that i was just plain done !
i was tired of being big (even when not pregnant) not being able to see my feet wear clothes that didn't stretch and all of the other stuff every mom deals with being pregers. talking to my best friend (whom had made the same choice) kind of brought it to light that why struggle to take care of many when i can love and take care of my four. so i made up my mind and the choice was finial. i still wasn't OK with it but i knew i would do it!

comes the day before the surgery. I'm at church and i am having a hard time with this. so i speak to my pastor and he tells me it sounds like i am trying to justify it to ME. that it was just a choice that i would have to live with either way. if i didnt then i could run the risk of losing a child or myself. or if i did not being able to have children ever again.

the day of i went in mad pissed unhappy all of the above. i broke down crying as the nurse was trying to get me ready . the doctor was late about 45 mins. and all i could think of was i can back out . no one would be mad and i could just not do it . then came the paper. the YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE KIDS after this paper. i signed and cried and then prayed . i let it go and trust that i was making the right choice. i have been home for a week now . i have been with my children for a week now . i have been with this choice i have made for a week now.

And i am ok.


I'm ok. i know that there will be no more children but i have four beautiful children to raise and to take care of and to love on. i have been blessed and plan on sharing my blessings but making them great people